Hall of Fame Game, Now With Added Ego! TO Has Signed with Cincinnati!

On Sunday, August 8th, football finally gets underway with an epic, preseason tilt between two teams that underachieved last year - my favorite team, the Dallas Cowboys, and the Cincinnati Bengals, who now feature the two greatest talking wide receivers in recent history. To celebrate this event I am going to take a sharpie and draw crazy 85’s and 81’s all over a bag of microwave popcorn while I watch the game!

Will TO play in the Hall of Fame Game? Even though he was late to training camp and even later because he missed an overnight flight to Cincinnati, my money still says, “Yes, he will play.” The reason he will play against Dallas is because, quite simply, it will be against Dallas. The primetime broadcast won’t hurt his desire to get back on the field against one of his old teams, either. Besides, how much preparation will he need in order to run down the field, wave his arm in the air to say he’s open, drop the pass that may or may not reach him accurately and then stroll back to the huddle in a huff?

I personally love the idea of TO and Ochocinco being on the same field at the same time. Neither is the superstar they once were, but their personalities have not degraded like their skills. TO will make the Cincinnati Bengals better this year. He did not succeed in Buffalo last fall because he had to be “the guy” on a slow-moving offense going nowhere. He doesn’t have to be “the guy” in Cincinnati. He may not ultimately get along with Ochocinco as the season progresses if they let their egos get in the way of each other, but he will thrive in the secondary receiver role.

Cincinnati has a decent running game and a solid quarterback – two things virtually non-existent in Buffalo last season. Granted TO has soured relationships with greater quarterbacks in the past, but he usually plays nice his first season. Since he only signed a 1-year contract, he is also auditioning for a chance to play anywhere next year.

Though I think he’ll have a decent year as part of a much-improved offense, I wouldn’t put him on my fantasy roster unless there were no other viable 3rd wide receiver options available. But you can. Heck, you can even reach and draft him early as a sleeper pick. Your league will thank you.


Next week, Letters of Misfortune start their journey around the NFL…

A Country Boy in Summer

All around the NFL, training camps have opened. What’s better than sprinting around a field under the hot summer sun wearing sweat-soaked pads while other men, larger than the average bear, try and pound you into the turf?

Ah, football. You gotta love it! There is nothing like the wear and tear of two-a-days combined with long position meetings detailing X’s and O’s.

All 32 teams will be in camp by the end of the weekend and, unlike in other major sports, each of those 32 teams have dreams of winning the Super Bowl. Some dreams are much more legitimate than others, but they all have them. We’ve seen it time and time again. Last year’s Super Bowl champ could become this year’s chump and the doormats of yesterday could rise up and shock the world. This fact alone makes the NFL great.

But not everybody enjoys training camp, especially those cagey veterans who have proven themselves in the grinder. For them, four to five weeks is way too much time to prepare for the regular season. Two weeks are more than enough.

Of all the veterans out there, the cagiest has to be Brett Favre of Minnesota Vikings fame. In case you didn’t know, he also played a few seasons in Green Bay (though Packer faithful may deny it now) and dabbled in New Jersey and Atlanta at different points in his career.

Favre, never one to shy away from media scrutiny or big decisions, has yet to say for sure whether or not he will be back in Minnesota for his 20th season. His ankle will tell him when, if, he will be ready to play.

Does anybody out there think the conversation with his ankle will go something like this?

Ankle: Hey, Brett.
Brett: Yes, Ankle?
Ankle: The Vikings broke training camp yesterday. I’m ready to play now.

I think everybody would be shocked if Favre decided to finally hang it up for good (no, I mean really this time). But since we still don’t know for certain, let’s have some fun and assume Favre will be back to lead the Purple for yet one more season.

Let’s celebrate his pending return to the gridiron with a reset of the classic poem A Country Boy in Winter by Sarah Orne Jewett.


Brett Favre – A Country Boy in Summer

The heat may rise at training camp,
     For all I care, says Brett,
And I don’t mind how hot it grows,
     For I won’t have to sweat.
Young guys may practice all day long,
     But I shall never wheeze;
What cares a good ol’ boy like me
     For summer days like these?

Far down the field to fleet receivers
     It is such fun to throw,
But not in August! Then is when
     There is no joy, I know.
When those two-a-days have ended,
     Well, I will take the lead;
They will greet me all the better
     Then certain of their need.

When I go home after game-time,
     Schucks! The INTs I dread!
Even Hall of Fame gunslingers
     Hit the other team instead.
You ought to see the pigskin go,
     I’ll toss a touchdown then;
And old Paul Allen* will say, “Rubes,
     We got some points again.”

There’s always something I can do
     ‘Til training camp is done;
The press ask questions all the time
     Of games both lost and won.
And when I give my mind to it,
     I’ll do as coaches say,
And lead our great team to Dallas
     To play some February day.

I shall be glad when I return
     And summer turns to fall,
I’ll show them by-and-by that I
     Have not yet hit a wall.
I’ll take the drops behind center,
     I’ll do the best I can.
A good ol’ boy like me can’t quit
     Without two rings in hand.

I like to hear the media praise
     Just as I come in sight,
And the Packer fans give me scorn
     While they drink late at night.
For now Purple fans seem like friends,
     And cheer my greatness here.
Some fellows talk of the Super Bowl,
     But they shall wait another year.



*Paul Allen is the voice of the Vikings on the radio and can be heard weekdays from 9:00am – Noon on KFAN.

Tomorrow, the Hall of Fame Game! Dallas vs Cincinnati! Getcha popcorn ready! Who will win this epic, preseason classic? 

Upcoming Features

During the NFL Preseason:

Letters of Misfortune will be sent out to NFL team fans beginning next week. Our tour around the NFL will start in the AFC East with the Buffalo Bills. The Letters will appear daily throughout the preseason schedule.

Fantasy Football Week begins the week of August 30th. The first ever alternate-reality Creative Misfortune Fantasy Football Season will be outlined in great detail. AFC and NFC pre-season Fantasy Bowl favorites will be discussed.

After Labor Day, standings predictions will be made for all the NFL teams, broken down by conference and division. Creative Misfortune Power Rankings will make their debut, ranking all NFL teams into one of five power classes. 

Below is an example of the Creative Misfortune Power Rankings as they stood at the end of the 2009 regular season -
              
               The Creative Elite ~ *Wielding misfortune at its finest
                    Indianapolis, New Orleans, San Diego, Minnesota, Dallas

               The Fortunate Seven ~ *The best of what’s left
                    Green Bay, Philadelphia, New England, Arizona,
                    Cincinnati, Baltimore, New York Jets

               The Remarkably Average ~ *Dancing the fine line between misfortune and glory
                    Pittsburgh, Houston, Atlanta, Denver,
                    New York Giants, Carolina, San Francisco, Tennessee

               The Creatively Challenged ~ *Folly remains ever their mistress
                    Miami, Jacksonville, Chicago, Buffalo, Seattle, Oakland, Cleveland

               The Forked Few ~ *Abandon hope and fortune all ye who rank here
                    Washington, Kansas City, Tampa Bay, Detroit, St. Louis


During the Regular Season and Playoffs:

Regular content will appear each week during the NFL regular season.

On Mondays, each team’s fortune, or lack thereof, from the preceding weekend will be recapped and a prediction for the Monday Night Game will be made.

On Tuesdays, the Monday Night Game recap and all Creative Misfortune predictions will be checked for accuracy. No one can be perfect picking games, but you can certainly strive for being better than average! The Creative Misfortune Fantasy Football Season standings will be updated.

On Wednesdays, Creative Misfortune Power Rankings! Note: Power Rankings are based on a complicated formula that takes into account, among other things, a team's projected ability to score an Offensive Fumble Recovery TD. All power rankings guaranteed to be less accurate than real NFL team abilities on any given Sunday and are subject to change on a weekly basis. If your team’s ranking remains unchanged for 4 hours or more, please consult with your doctor, as serious side effects may occur. The Creative Misfortune Super Bowl favorite through the current week will also be announced. 

On Thursdays, predictions for any Thursday Night Games, plus “This Day in Football History” will remind us all of bygone days spent on the gridiron.

On Fridays, weekend game predictions and the starting fantasy football lineups for every team, plus any Thursday Night Game recaps

Along with these weekly features, at any time, “Something Different” posts will appear when inspiration strikes from outside the NFL universe.



Tomorrow, training camps! All around the country talented athletes are assembling for two-a-days, but what of the most talented athletes?

UPDATE: Mauer at the Bat - Dramatic Reading

If you want to hear KFAN's Dan Barreiro give a dramatic reading of my Mauer at the Bat poem, listen to the following download from his radio broadcast on July 21, 2010. Enjoy!

But first, something a bit different...

From time to time, the Art of Creative Misfortune will venture away from the NFL to other sports when an event of great significance or peculiarity strikes my interest. On July 20, 2010, one such event took place.

Reigning AL MVP Joe Mauer, superstar catcher for the Minnesota Twins, entered the batter's box against the Cleveland Indians with one out, the game tied 3-3, with runners on first and second in the bottom of the 7th inning. Joe Mauer, much to the confusion of almost everybody, bunted the runners over. 

Shocked by the unexpected decision by Mauer to bunt in this situation against an unheralded reliever, Minnesota sports talk radio was in an uproar. The local radio station KFAN celebrated the event with a reset of the famous poem Casey at the Bat by Ernest Lawrence Thayer, written by yours truly. 

Joe Mauer has been on a roll of late, going 8-17 (.471 BA) at the plate. He's belted 2 home runs, 2 doubles and driven in 9 RBI during the four games he has played since the ill-fated bunt on July 20th. All the more reason a player of his skills should never bunt late in a game with runners on base.

Without further ado, I present:

Mauer at the Bat

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Twin City nine that day;
The score stood three to one, with but three innings more to play.
And then when Delmon died at first, and the fans’ worries came,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only Mauer could get but a whack at that -
We’d put up even money, now, with Mauer at the bat.

But Hardy preceded Mauer, as did Punto, Hud and Span,
The lineup had to make the turn so they could have their man;
So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Mauer’s getting at the bat.

But Hardy let drive a single, to the wonderment of all,
Punto did his part, and Span tore the cover off the ball;
And when the dust had lifted, and the fans saw what had occurred,
There was Span safe at second and Punto a-rounding third.

Then from 30,000 throats and more there rose a lusty cry;
It rumbled through the city, and made the Indians want to die;
It flashed upon the scoreboard- at zero runs the deficit sat,
And Mauer, mighty Mauer, was advancing to the bat.

There was ease in Mauer’s manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Mauer’s bearing and a smile on Mauer’s face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt ‘twas Mauer at the bat.

Thirty thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;
Ten thousand tongues applauded when he wiped them on his shirt.
Then while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,
The defense shifted before Mauer’s eye, a smirk crossed Mauer’s lip.

And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
And Mauer stopped it in logically efficient manner there.
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unexpected fell-
“I got it off the end a bit,” said Mauer. “You’re out!” went the yell.

From the benches, thick with people, there went up a muffled roar,
How could the reigning MVP not swing fully for the score?
“Kill him! Kill his contract!” shouted someone from the stand;
And it’s likely they’d a-killed him had not Mauer raised his hand.

With the smile of Baby Jesus, Mauer’s great sideburns shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the bench, and Kubel took his place instead;
To make the most of the chance envisioned in Mauer’s head.

“Fraud!” cried the maddened thousands, and echo answered fraud;
But one knowing look from Mauer and the audience was awed.
They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his focused glare,
And they knew Mauer knew Kubel was going to save them there.

The smirk is gone from Mauer’s lip, like all the fans, he waits;
And watches the Indians shift to face Kubel at the plate.
And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now it flies with a burst,
And now the chance is lost by the weak grounder Kubel sends to first.

Oh, somewhere in south Chicago the sun is shining bright;
The team is winning somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy at Target Field – mighty Mauer drag bunted out.

Welcome to the Art of Creative Misfortune!

What is Creative Misfortune you ask?

Finding inspiration from the German phrase Schadenfreude, Creative Misfortune is all about taking your game to the next level in a creative way that brings misfortune to your opponents.

This blog is dedicated to the greatest game in the world – football. Specifically, American football, for those of you out there who insist the futbol featured in the World Cup games this past summer is the only true sport that can be called football.

But here, at The Art of Creative Misfortune, we talk about football played by the great and infamous teams that make up the National Football League. Other blogs and sports pages will unduly praise teams within the league, while always ripping select others, despite their victories. On these pages every team will be called to task for their misfortune, or lack thereof.

This blog will predict and recap the NFL games as it has never been done before. If events from outside the NFL strike our interest, we may stray from the football world to offer commentary, but our focus here is NFL Football.

In the coming weeks we will be sending open letters to the fan bases of each NFL team. When the regular season kicks off, weekly features will follow the events of the NFL schedule. Upon these pages, sarcasm will be read, games will be predicted, success and failure by each team will be recapped and the first ever, alternate-reality Creative Misfortune Fantasy Bowl will crown its champion.

Enjoy the football season along with the rest of us. It’s been a long, cold, dark summer filled with bad basketball decisions, atrocious baseball games and, of course, the riveting, pointless drama of scoreless draws in World Cup soccer games.

And if you stick around and find that your beloved team is skewered for its lack of creativity on any given Sunday, take heart and look around.

Your team will not be the only one basking in misfortune’s glory!