When it comes to Creative Misfortune Power Rankings, production is combined with potential to determine a team's true strength compared to the rest of the league. Winning isn't the only factor, but it is one of the most important components of the rating. I don't believe teams can be powerful if they consistently lose, even to other great teams.
ADVENTURE WEEK!
The NFL season has been quite the adventure so far for some teams. Let's celebrate with some Indiana Jones-themed power rankings!
“Dr. Jones, what is the National Football League?”
“Fortune and Glory, Kid. Fortune and Glory.”
The Forked Few~
Abandon hope and fortune all ye who rank here
# 32 - St. Louis Rams (previous: 32)
[At a press conference discussing the Rams woeful 0-5 start]
Coach Spagnuolo: We have top men working on it now.
Media Member #1: Who?
Coach Spagnuolo: Top... men.
# 31 - Miami Dolphins (previous: 31)
[The Dolphins Coaching staff wanders around their practice facility, studying the players preparing for their next game]
Coach Sparano: Who knows. Perhaps the key to our first win is waiting in some new offensive scheme for us to discover. Perhaps there's some vital bit of information which eludes us. Perhaps...
Brian Daboll, Offensive Coordinator: [interrupting him] Perhaps Andrew Luck can help us.
Steve Bush, Wide Receivers Coach: My feeling exactly.
# 30 - Indianapolis Colts (previous: 30)
Reggie Wayne: We're in trouble!
Peyton Manning: Trouble? What kind of trouble?
Reggie Wayne: It's a long story. Better hurry up or you won't get to hear it.
# 29 - Jacksonville Jaguars (previous: 29)
[Responding to critics after another lackluster outing]
Maurice Jones-Drew: I can only say I'm sorry so many times.
Jacksonville Fans: Well, say it again anyway!
Maurice Jones-Drew: Sorry.
# 28 - Carolina Panthers (previous: 25)
Steve Smith: You know how to win, don't you?
Cam Newton: Um, no. Do you?
The Creatively Challenged~
Folly remains ever their mistress
# 27 - Kansas City Chiefs (previous: 28)
[To the other Chief players, while watching the Oakland fans take their seats]
Matt Cassel: Guys, we're pilgrims in an unholy land.
# 26 - Denver Broncos (previous: 27)
[Addressing the team before the first start of his career]
Tim Tebow: Meet me at Sun Life Stadium in Miami. Be ready for me. I'm going after a win.
J.D. Walton, Broncos Starting Center: How?
Tim Tebow: I don't know. I'm making this up as I go!
# 25 - Minnesota Vikings (previous: 24)
[Christian Ponder stands at midfield following his first game against the Green Bay Packers and talks with Aaron Rodgers]
Aaron Rodgers: You lost today, kid, but that doesn't mean you have to like it.
# 24 - Arizona Cardinals (previous: 26)
Larry Fitzgerald: There are big Steelers in the stadium, Kolb!
Kevin Kolb: Oh, that's just our opponent, Larry.
Larry Fitzgerald: I hate the Steelers, Kolb! I hate 'em!
Kevin Kolb: Come on! Get over the Super Bowl loss, will ya!
# 23 - Cleveland Browns (previous: 21)
Coach Pat Shurmur: [Looks around in dismay at his underachieving players] Does anyone understand a word I'm saying here? This is intolerable!
# 22 - Seattle Seahawks (previous: 22)
[The Seahawks studies the standings after their bye week and sees the 49ers have increased their lead in the division]
Coach Carroll: Our situation has not improved.
# 21 - Philadelphia Eagles (previous: 23)
[Coach Reid, concerned about Vick's propensity for injuries, tries to convince him to stay in the pocket]
Coach Reid: You're gonna get killed scrambling after your damn fortune and glory!
Michael Vick: Maybe. But not today.
The Remarkably Average~
Dancing the fine line between misfortune and glory
# 20 - Dallas Cowboys (previous: 16)
Owner Jerry Jones: You say this has been just another typical day for you, huh?
Tony Romo: NO! It's been better than most.
# 19 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers (previous: 19)
[The Buccaneers step off the plane in London, prepared for their "home game" against the Bears]
London Fans: We should say you all look rather lost, but then we can't imagine where in the world you would look at home. And you are?
Coach Morris: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
London Fans: Tampa Bay Buccaneers, one time Super Bowl champion?
Coach Morris: Hard to believe, isn't it?
# 18 - Atlanta Falcons (previous: 20)
Matt Ryan: Nickname's the Birds, Dirty Birds.
Matthew Stafford: Dirty Birds?
Matt Ryan: Yeah.
Matthew Stafford: What kind of name is that?
Matt Ryan: It's the one we picked. You got a problem with it?
# 17 - New York Jets (previous: 17)
Eric Weddle, San Diego Chargers Safety: Hello, Cromartie.
Antonio Cromartie: Eric Weddle. I always knew some day you'd come walking back through my door. I never doubted that. Something made it inevitable. So, what are you doing here in New York?
Eric Weddle: We need to make up for one of the playoff losses you helped us collect.
[Cromartie surprises weddle with a right cross to the jaw]
Antonio Cromartie: I've learned to hate you in the last few years!
# 16 - New York Giants (previous: 15)
[Following the Giants gritty victory over the Buffalo Bills]
New York Reporter #1: The last time I saw Coach Coughlin like this we were at the Super Bowl. He was very close to achieving his life's ambition. I've never seen him so excited. He was as giddy as a schoolboy.
Eli Manning: Who, Atilla The Coach? He was never giddy, even when he was a schoolboy.
# 15 - Chicago Bears (previous: 18)
[Jay Cutler studies film of the Tampa Bay defensive secondary, a grim look on his face]
Jay Cutler: This is it... This is where Brees cashed in last week.
Johnny Knox: A friend of yours?
Jay Cutler: A competitor... he was good. He was very, very good.
# 14 - Washington Redskins (previous: 11)
[Seeing Carolina next on the schedule, Rex Grossman is eager to put his horrible game against the Eagles behind him]
Rex Grossman: Let us hurry. There is nothing to fear here.
[Coach Shanahan stops him before he can take the field]
Coach Shanahan: That's what scares me.
[Shanahan points to the bench.]
Coach Shanahan: Stay here.
# 13 - Houston Texans (previous: 9)
Matt Schaub: Brutal couple of weeks, huh, Coach? First the Raiders, then the Ravens.
Coach Kubiak: We seem to have reached the point in the season where the football gods stop giving us wins and start taking them away.
The Fortunate Seven~
The best of those not yet elite
# 12 - Tennessee Titans (previous: 12)
Chris Johnson: You know, for an old quarterback, you ain't bad in a game.
Matt Hasselbeck: Thanks.
Chris Johnson: What are you, like, 80?
# 11 - Oakland Raiders (previous: 13)
[Carson Palmer storms out of a meeting with Bengals ownership]
Coach Jackson: Hey, what happened? You don't look very happy.
Carson Palmer: Fools. Bureaucratic fools!
Coach Jackson: What'd they say?
Carson Palmer: They don't know what they had there.
Coach Jackson: Well, I know what I've got here. Come on. I'll show you the playbook. You know, the playbook?
# 10 - Cincinnati Bengals (previous: 14)
Owner Mike Brown: [Smiling about the draft picks he has gained from the Oakland Raiders] How fortunate our failure to retire you, Carson Palmer. You survive to be of service to us once again.
Carson Palmer: Well, you know me, always glad to help.
# 9 - Buffalo Bills (previous: 7)
[Following the late interception in the loss to the Giants...]
Ryan Fitzpatrick: Give me your helmet.
Stevie Johnson: [takes his helmet off slowly] Why?
Ryan Fitzpatrick: [taking the helmet] Because I'm gonna puke in it!
[Stevie Johnson quickly takes his helmet back]
# 8 - San Diego Chargers (previous: 8)
[Norv Turner meets Rex Ryan in a crowded bar before the Chargers-Jets game]
Coach Turner: Ryan.
Coach Ryan: Good afternoon, Norv Turner.
Coach Turner: I oughta kill you right now.
Coach Ryan: Not a very private place for a murder. Please. Sit down, before you fall down. At least we can behave like civilized people.
# 7 - Pittsburgh Steelers (previous: 10)
Pittsburgh Fans: You're not the men we knew ten years ago.
Steelers Players: It's not the years... it's the mileage.
# 6 - New Orleans Saints (previous: 6)
[Congratulating Coach Raheem Morris on Tampa Bay's victory following the game]
Coach Sean Payton: Next time, Raheem, it will take more than my broken leg to save you.
The Creative Elite~
Wielding misfortune at its finest
# 5 - Detroit Lions (previous: 2)
Aaron Rodgers: Surely you don’t think you can escape from this season into the playoffs with a division title?
Matthew Stafford: That depends on how reasonable we’re all willing to be. All I want is the championship.
Clay Matthews: And if we refuse?
Matthew Stafford: Then your Thanksgiving Day game will have no victory prize.
[Meanwhile, back at Lions heaquarters, Coach Schwartz bickers with the media relations staff]
Coach Schwartz: I told you not to be premature in your communiqué to the media. Football is not an exact science. It does not deal out undefeated seasons easily.
Matt Barnhart, Lions Director of Media Relations: The media members are not patient men. They demand constant reports. You led me to believe-
Coach Schwartz: NOTHING! I made no promises of an undefeated season! I merely said it looked favorable. Besides. With the information in my possession, my lineup calculations should have been correct.
# 4 - New England Patriots (previous: 5)
Commissioner Goodell: Now what does this Brady look like?
Rich Eisen: Uh… there’s a picture of him right here. [Opens a GQ magazine on the table and places it before the Commissioner] That’s him.
Commissioner Goodell: Good God!
Rich Eisen: Yes, that’s just what the cornerbacks thought.
Commissioner Goodell: [pointing to a beam of light surrounding a football as it leaves Brady's hand] Uh, now what’s that supposed to be coming out of there?
Rich Eisen: Lightning. Fire. Power of God or something.
Commissioner Goodell: I am beginning to understand Belichick's interest in him.
Rich Eisen: Oh, yes. The NFL Gamebooks speak of Brady leveling linebackers and laying waste to entire secondaries. A football team that starts Brady at quarterback… is invincible.
# 3 - San Francisco 49ers (previous: 4)
[At dinner following the explosive ending to the San Francisco-Detroit game]
Coach Jim Harbaugh: How odd that it should end this way for us after so many stimulating encounters. I almost regret it. Where shall I find a new adversary so close to my own level?
Coach Jim Schwartz: Try the local sewer.
# 2 - Baltimore Ravens (previous: 3)
[Mocking rookie quarterback Blain Gabbert after a sack]
Ray Lewis: I'm like a bad penny, I always turn up.
# 1 - Green Bay Packers (previous: 1)
Aaron Rodgers: You did it, didn't you?
Ted Thompson, Packers GM: The fans want you to go for it. They want you to get a hold of the championship before the AFC does and they are prepaid to pay handsomely.
Aaron Rodgers: And the museum at Lambeau? They get the Lombardi trophy when this is all finished?
Ted Thompson: Oh, yes. You know, I'm really rather envious. 10 years ago I would have gone after the undefeated season myself with Favre.
Aaron Rodgers: I just have to locate 13 more wins along the way. I think I know where to start. [Pauses] Do you think the Vikings will trip me up?
Ted Thompson: Possibly. But the Vikings are the least of your worries right now, believe me, Aaron.
Aaron Rodgers: What do you mean?
Ted Thompson: Well, I mean that for nearly 40 years teams have been striving for the undefeated season. It’s not something to be taken lightly. No one knows if it’s possible now. It’s like nothing you’ve ever gone after before.
Aaron Rodgers: [laughing] Oh, Thompson. What are you trying to do, scare me? You sound like my mother. We’ve known each other for a long time. I don’t believe in magic, a lot of superstitious hocus pocus. I’m going after a season of incredible historical significance and you’re talking about the boogie man. Besides, [unwraps a copy of the Packers playbook and throws it into his suitcase on top of his championship belt] you know what a cautious fellow I am.
Week 6 Power Ranking Awards:
The Free Fallers - Houston Texans (-4), Dallas Cowboys (-4), Detroit Lions (-3), Washington Redskins (-3), Carolina Panthers (-3)
The Biggest Movers - Cincinnati Bengals (+4), Pittsburgh Steelers (+3), Chicago Bears (+3), Oakland Raiders (+2), Atlanta Falcons (+2)
Maintaining The Status Quo - Green Bay Packers (1), New Orleans Saints (6), San Diego Chargers (8), Tennessee Titans (12), New York Jets (17), Tampa Bay Buccaneers (19), Seattle Seahawks (22), Jacksonville Jaguars (29), Indianapolis Colts (30), Miami Dolphins (31), St. Louis Rams (32)
Creative Misfortune Super Bowl XLVI Favorite ~ After Week 6
Check back tomorrow for week 7 predictions.
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