Letters of Misfortune - AFC North, Part I

From time to time throughout the NFL season, The Art of Creative Misfortune will feature guest posts by my good friend, Scottie V, a raving mad Steelers fan (made only more insufferable by their six Super Bowl championships). When he first heard of the Letters of Misfortune going out to each team, he insisted on writing the letters to the AFC North. Baltimore, Cincinnati and Cleveland fans, I ask your forgiveness ahead of time.

Now, V's Way Out There, Left-Coast Style Letters of Misfortune to the AFC North, Part I...

Baltimore Ravens



Let me be as transparent as possible here: I don’t like the Baltimore Ravens… Nay, I can’t stand the Baltimore Ravens. (For the record, I also don’t like using the word “transparent”, but I guess it applies here). As a lifelong Steeler fan, the Ravens are the Biff to my McFly, the Nellie Olsen to my Laura Ingalls, the Screech to my Lisa Turtle. And they are jerks. Oh, and Ray Lewis is crazy. I know it, you know it, and the media knows it. They are just afraid that he might kill them if they say anything about it.

All right, now that I’ve got that out of the way, I can get on to the business of meaningless prognostication. The last couple years, the Ravens front office has quietly (or maybe I just haven’t been paying attention?) been building a pretty solid football team that might be geared for another run at a title. You’ve brought in talent (Boldin and Stallworth) at the wide receiver position to provide some additional targets for Joe Flacco and picking up Ken Hamlin should bolster the secondary. The former additions should make this the season that determines whether mighty Joe Flacco is the real deal or if he’s just another Joey-come-lately quarterback being built up into something he is not. If nothing else, the name “Joe Flacco” should give him an opportunity to crack the infomercial or mobster line of work, if quarterbacking does not pan out.

In my eyes, the best addition the Ravens have recently made is hiring John Harbaugh as coach. I say this because Brian Billick was a tool and because John Harbaugh is a Harbaugh. Much of my aforementioned disdain for the Ravens is because of Billick. He exudes smarm in a way that only Pau Gasol has been able to top. Congrats to Pau. Not only that, but with John Harbaugh, you get two Harbaughs for the price of one when his “Captain Comeback” brother, Jim Harbaugh, ends his collegiate football season come December, just in time for a potential playoff run. And what, my friends, is better than one Harbaugh on the sidelines?

Now, down to the nitty gritty of making a prediction. I am quite analytical and am able to separate emotion when it comes to this kind of stuff. I have a gift. This is easy:

1) The Ravens are not the Steelers

2) The previously noted additions in the offseason will not be enough to offset the horribly misguided addition of a former Oregon Duck (Ed Dickson), while subtracting a former Oregon State Beaver (Dwan Edwards). That was the proverbial “kiss of death.”

Therefore, the Ravens will finish 2nd in the AFC North.

  

 

Cleveland Browns
 
 
 
Seriously, stop crying… He’s gone… He’s not coming back.

In an offseason that has been all Lebron, all the time, it’s been easy to forget there is a football team in Cleveland. And I know many among you have been happy to oblige. No, the Cleveland Browns have not provided much to get excited about the last… well… for about as long as I can remember. It seems like eons ago when Marty Schottenheimer and the gang pounded the ball with Gestapo-like force and the defense blitzkrieged through the league. And they also had the occasional fumble… Sorry, didn’t mean to bring that up.

But, being an optimist, I often believe a miraculous turnaround could be just as simple as finding the right song to play during warmups. The emotional charge resonating from the crowd can impact the players’ outlook greatly. So, with this in mind, I would like to make some recommendations to the Cleveland Browns’ PA announcer.

First some songs to avoid:

• “Cleveland Rocks!” – you’re not fooling anyone
• “Baby Come Back” – yeah, not happening
• “Don’t Know What You’ve Got ‘Til It’s Gone” – appropriate in so many ways, but kind of a downer… and I’m not talking about Lebron or your beloved Brady Quinn. I’m talking about Derek Anderson. Wow, that was dumb booing him out of town.
• “Brown-Eyed Girl” – yes, you are the Browns and this is a classic, but what does it have to do with football?
• “Quinn the Eskimo” – Brady Quinn, the guy you ran Derek out of town for, is no longer with the team either… Oh, and he is not “the mighty Quinn” either… Not appropriate.

Some songs to play to get the crowd inspired and cheer the team on to victory:

“ … “

Ummm… Yeah, I can’t think of any… Sorry.

Prediction: The good news is there will only be 3 teams better than the Browns in the AFC North. The bad news is the AFC North only has 4 teams.

Check back later today for a recap of the Hall of Fame Game and the results of the sample Creative Misfortune Fantasy Football game between the Dallas Cowboy back-ups and the Cincinnati Bengals back-ups...