Now, V's Way Out There, Left-Coast Style Letters of Misfortune to the AFC North, Part II...
Do you wonder if Carson Palmer ever just wakes up and thinks, “Why does my general manager hate me so much??” I’ve got a feeling Carson had one of those moments a few weeks ago when he found out that the much-traveled and habitual quarterback bus-thrower-underer Terrell Owens had signed with the Bengals. Yikes! On a team that loves its reality show-fodder athletes, I’m thinking Mr. Palmer could start his own show in the dangerous work genre: “The Deadliest Catch” and “Ice Road Truckers” would have nothing on Carson’s new show, “Cincinnati Bengals Quarterback”.
T.O. on his own is a handful, but the Bengals already have Chad Ochocinco. Double yikes!! As an Oregon State fan and alum, I still have fond memories of Chad (I still have a hard time with “Ochocinco”… he’ll always be “Johnson” to me) tearing up the Pac-10 and Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl. But, let’s be honest, to say that he is erratic is putting it nicely. I have visions of a whiteboard on the sidelines simply dedicated to tallying how many times each of these receivers has been thrown to. Or worse yet, since these two fellas claim to be buddies, what if they team up and pour their collective discontent on the noble Carson? On the defensive side of the ball, the Bengals also brought in hardened criminal and occasional football player Adam “Pacman” Jones in the off-season to strengthen their rap sheet - I mean, roster sheet. As a middle-of-the-road team in the AFC, it could get ugly in Cincy.
But enough about football drama, let’s talk about the reality shows. Amazingly, Chad and T.O. each have their own shows. Simply awesome. To borrow a quote from Jerry Seinfeld, “I’m pretty sure that reality is the last thing these guys are qualified to give us a show about.” I must admit that I have never seen T.O.’s “T.O. Show”. I don’t think I would be a better person for having watched it. I have seen approximately 15 broken-up minutes-worth (how could anyone watch for 15 consecutive minutes??) of Chad’s “Ultimate Catch” show. The experience left me feeling very unclean and pretty certain the only thing Mr. Ochocinco may ultimately catch is a raging case of syphilis. If Chad can’t find love, what hope is there for the rest of us??
Prediction: If ever there was a roster fit for a “Wildcard” spot, it is this team. But 3rd place in the AFC North ain’t going to get it done. On the bright side, guys can get an early start on the next season of their shows.
Bonus prediction: Neither T.O. nor Chad will be Bengals in the 2011 season. The character pendulum will swing drastically from “crazy” to “Tebow”.
Tebow, Tebow, Tebow, Tebow, Tebow, Tebow, Tebow, Tebow, Tebow, Tebow, Tebow, Tebow (You hear that, Google!?)
Hope springs eternal in Latrobe, PA. Despite an offseason of turmoil and bad pub, this too the Steelers will survive. It seems that every year I’m shocked and saddened to see some of their better players leave in pursuit of a bigger payday. I love (but perhaps the players don’t) how the Steelers’ organization sticks to its principles and seldom overpays its players. They accomplish more with a lower payroll than probably any other team in the league. Kind of reminds me of my favorite college team (except replace “payroll” with “stars”… don’t want to get anyone in trouble). “Hip, Hip, Hooray” for frugality!
Now, about that offseason of turmoil and bad pub. Ben Roethlisberger has undoubtedly soiled his reputation with these latest incidents. It is somewhat unclear exactly what happened with these ladies. We know for sure that, at best, Big Ben is Bigtime Careless. At worst, Big Ben is a Big Creepy Criminal. The truth is probably somewhere in between. On the football side of things, Ben and the Steelers have a suspension to worry about. On the human side of things (which I care a little more about), I hope the suspension is long enough to get Ben’s attention and have him re-think his life a bit. That being said, I really hope that about two weeks is long enough to do the trick!
Now, for a very illogical and bold prediction: Big Ben’s suspension will actually help the Steelers in the long run – hopefully this season, but if not, down the line. For too long, the Steelers have played down to their competition and I blame Ben for this – not directly, but indirectly. I think Ben’s penchant for leading the team to a dramatic comeback has subconsciously caused players to let their guard down, thinking that the offense can get it done at any given moment. Often they do, but sometimes the magic just isn’t there. I witnessed this first-hand last season when the Steelers played the Chiefs in Kansas City. Ugh. The biggest test of the first six games of the season will be when the Ravens come to town in Week 4. Big Ben will likely still be out of action, but fortunately the Steelers will have a raucous home field advantage. I like our chances.
If the Curtain can survive the first six weeks (five games, three of which at home) without Ben, it should benefit them for the rest of the season. Hopefully, that time can be spent establishing the ground game which has been atrocious at times the last couple seasons. I like what I see from Rashard Mendenhall, but he hasn’t been as much of a focus of the offense since they have a playmaker such as Big Ben at quarterback. The suspension will force the Steelers to look elsewhere for offense… and they will find it in Rashard. Defensively, the Steelers should be solid as usual. Troy Polamalu and Aaron Smith are back in action (both missed most of last season) which will make the unit that much better.
By Steeler standards, the roster stayed relatively unscathed in the offseason. Losing Santonio Holmes will likely turn out to be an addition by subtraction scenario. The Willie Parker departure initially tugs at my heartstrings, but he’s been on the decline for a few years now. Deshea Townshend has been solid lately, but the Steelers seem to always find good corners to plug into their system… Perhaps Keenan Lewis will be next in line to step up? The addition and return of Antwaan Randle El adds some intangible flair to both the offense and special teams. Love cheering for that guy.
And let’s not forget the greatness of Steelers past whose shadows these modern day heroes are playing under. First the great - [EDITOR'S NOTE: Valway has gone where no fan should go, so, in the interest of brevity, I’m stepping in and fast-forwarding through his Letter a bit… Let’s see… two pages about the Steelers of the 70s… three pages cut extolling the virtues of Terry Bradshaw's intelligent commentary... fast forward... 6 Super Bowls, yadda, yadda, yadda... moving on to page 7... decal on only one side of the helmet, funny historical lesson, but no... page 10... in depth discussion of how the Steelers beat the Cowboys in two Super Bowls just to annoy me, absolutely not... fast forwarding to Super Bowl XXX, the only piece of Steeler history worth talking about... another two Super Bowl championships… yes, we understand you’ve won a few…oh, good, he’s finally wrapping things up…]
My Prediction, through Black-and-Gold Colored Lenses: In spite of Ben’s absence for the first few games of the season, the Steelers galvanize as an offensive unit and establish Rashard Mendenhall early, with him averaging over 100 yards per game. Big Ben returns in week 6 to lead this now fully operational offensive powerhouse. Pittsburgh wins the AFC North, sweeping both contests against their bitter rival, the Ravens. The world rejoices.
Tomorrow, letters to the Houston Texans and the Indianapolis Colts...
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