When it comes to Creative Misfortune Power Rankings, winning isn't the only thing, but it is the most important component of the rating. I don't believe teams can be powerful if they consistently lose, even to other great teams.
ROCKY WEEK!
With only four weeks remaining in the NFL season, every team still has something to fight for. Whether it be for the best regular season record, a spot in the playoffs or just to keep their jobs next season, let’s go with some Rocky paraphrases to get your team inspired for this week’s contests. Can you guess which of the six movies your team's paraphrased quote is from?
The Forked Few~
Abandon hope and fortune all ye who rank here
# 32 - Carolina Panthers (previous: 32)
Announcer: Now entering the field, a team that calls themselves 'The Dirty Birds', the NFC's best... THE ATLANTA FALCONS!
Jimmy Clausen: Wow, they're awful big. Hey, Coach Fox, how much do you think they eat?
Coach Fox: About 222 pounds.
Announcer: And now, starting at quarterback for your Carolina Panthers, weighing in at 222 pounds...
# 31 - Arizona Cardinals (previous: 29)
Reporter: Why do you wanna keep playing?
Derek Anderson: Because I can't sing or dance.
# 30 - Buffalo Bills (previous: 27)
Reporter: Harvard quarterback, Ryan Fitzpatrick. Any advice to kids out there?
Ryan Fitzpatrick: Stay in school and use your brain. Be a doctor, be a lawyer, carry a leather briefcase. Forget about sports as a profession. Sports make ya grunt and smell. Be a thinker, not a stinker.
# 29 - Cincinnati Bengals (previous: 31)
Chad Ochocinco vs Troy Polamalu. Sounds like a damn monster movie!
# 28 - Detroit Lions (previous: 28)
Well, ya see, Commissioner, we understand you're lookin' for sparrin' partners for the Green Bay Packers and we just want to let you know that we are very available.
The Creatively Challenged~
Folly remains ever their mistress
# 27 - Denver Broncos (previous: 30)
Josh McDaniels: Hey, yo, Chris, whose lock is this? Whose stuff is this in my locker?
Denver Equipment Manager, Chris Valenti: It's Studesville's stuff. It ain't your locker no more.
Josh McDaniels: What are you talkin' about 'it ain't my locker no more'? It's been my locker for nearly two years. Where's my gear?
Chris Valenti: Bowlen told me to bag it. Hang it.
Josh McDaniels: You put my stuff on skid row? I been in that locker two years; you put my stuff in a bag on skid row?
Chris Valenti: Bowlen tells me what to do. I gotta do it, right, Coach?
Josh McDaniels: Where is he?
Chris Valenti: Working with Studesville. He's in a bad mood.
Josh McDaniels: So am I.
# 26 - Washington Redskins (previous: 24)
Coach Shanahan: You know what you are?
Albert Haynesworth: No, what?
Coach Shanahan: A tomato.
Albert Haynesworth: A tomato?
Coach Shanahan: Yeah, and I'm running a football team here, not a goddamn soup kitchen!
# 25 - San Francisco 49ers (previous: 26)
Announcer #1: Do you have any predictions on this game? How do you see this contest going?
Announcer #2: Well, I feel that strength would have to go to the Seahawks, while experience and the WORLD'S HARDEST HEAD would HAVE to go to Mike Singletary!
# 24 - Minnesota Vikings (previous: 23)
Brett Favre, explaining why he came back for the miserable 2010 campaign: We always have to be in the middle of the action 'cause we're the warriors. And without some challenge, without some damn war to fight then the warriors might as well be dead. Now I'm asking you - as my fans - stand by my side this one last time. You know, it's too bad we gotta get old, huh?
Disillusioned Vikings Fan: Ah, just keep throwing interceptions, Brett...
# 23 - Houston Texans (previous: 17)
[Not pleased he has to face Baltimore with his job on the line and confused by Arian Foster's eagerness to face Ray Lewis and the Ravens D, Coach Kubiak strikes up a conversation with his star running back]
Coach Kubiak: What's the matter with you? Why do you wanna play these guys? Does anything normal go through your head?
Arian Foster: Nothing that I remember.
Coach Kubiak: They've got linebackers as big as dinosaurs. You ever fought a dinosaur, kid?
Arian Foster: Not lately.
Coach Kubiak: They can inflict a variety of damage!
# 22 - Dallas Cowboys (previous: 22)
Dallas Cowboys: We've been your favorite team for over thirty years, and all season you've been sticking it to us, and we wanna know how come!
Creative Misfortune: You don't wanna know!
Dallas Cowboys: We wanna know how come!
Creative Misfortune: Ya wanna know?
Dallas Cowboys: WE WANNA KNOW!
Creative Misfortune: OK, I'm gonna tell ya! You had the talent to become Super Bowl champions, but instead of that, you quit on your fans and became some cheap, second rate franchise!
Dallas Cowboys: It's a living.
Creative Misfortune: IT'S A WASTE OF A FOOTBALL SEASON!
# 21 - Cleveland Browns (previous: 21)
Open Letter from the Browns to the City of Cleveland: We know sometimes we act stupid and we say stupid things, but you kept us around and other people would have said "drop those bums". You give us respect. You know it's kinda hard for us to say these kinda things, cuz this ain't our way, but if we could just unzip ourselves and step out and be someone else, we'd wanna be you. You're all heart, Cleveland.
The Remarkably Average ~
Dancing the fine line between misfortune and glory
# 20 - Tennessee Titans (previous: 20)
Coach Fisher: Now, when we started this season, we had that eye of the tiger; the edge! And now we gotta get it back. And the way to get it back is to go back to the beginning. You know what I mean?
# 19 - Seattle Seahawks (previous: 25)
[Pete Carroll goes through some self-motivation techniques as he prepares to face the 49ers in San Francisco]
Coach Carroll: Stay away from USC! Make faces on the sideline! Move around the state, but don't go too far south!
# 18 - Miami Dolphins (previous: 15)
[Miami fans, deeply concerned, walk towards the Dolphins on the beach]
Suntanned Fans: Can we talk to you? We wanna ask you something important, and we want you to tell us the truth.
Miami Dolphins: What?
Suntanned Fans: Why'd you come here?
Miami Dolphins: I just can't win in South Florida no more.
Suntanned Fans: If it's over because you want it to be over, I'm glad.
Miami Dolphins: We do.
Suntanned Fans: It's just... you never quit anything since we've known you.
Miami Dolphins: We don't know what you want us to say. I mean, what happened? How did everything that was so good on the road get so bad at home?
Suntanned Fans: What's so bad? Tell us, what?
Miami Dolphins: We wrecked everything by not winning at home. I mean, why couldn't Parcells tell us where we really were right from the start? He didn't have to carry us and lie to us and make us think we were better than we really were when we weren't.
# 17 - Indianapolis Colts (previous: 14)
[Following the Colts’ devastating loss to the Dallas Cowboys in overtime and another couple of Pick-6's, an old mentor visits Peyton Manning]
Tony Dungy: Hey, uh, Peyton. It's three in the morning. I went up to your house there and they told me you was here. It's a 3:00am, Kid. You know that loss last week was pretty hard. Me, you know I'm sorry for ya. There's nothing I can do about it. Except, uh, I wanna tell you this once and then, uh, I ain't gonna say it again. But, Peyton, you got another shot, still a second shot at, uh, I don't know, the biggest championship in the world, and you're gonna be dropping back and throwing passes against some of the most dangerous football players in the world.
And just in case, you know, your brain ain't workin' so good. All this happens pretty soon and you ain't ready. You know your team’s no where near in shape. So I say, for God's sake, why don't you stand up and play these guys HARD? Like you done in seasons before. That was beautiful! But don't lay down like this! Like, uh, I don't know like some kind of mongrel or something. ‘Cause they're gonna kick your team to pieces!
That's right! These guys don't just wanna win you know. They want to bury ya. They want to humiliate ya. They want to prove to the whole world that you was nothin’ but some kind of freak the first seasons of your career. They said you were a lucky bum! Well, now I don't wanna get mad in a biblical place like this, but I think you're a hell of a lot more than that, Kid! A hell of a lot! But now, wait a minute. If you wanna blow this thing, if you wanna blow your shot at the playoffs, then darn it, I'm gonna blow it with ya. If you wanna stay here, I'll stay with ya. I’ll stay with ya. I'll stay and pray. What do I got to lose?
# 16 - San Diego Chargers (previous: 13)
[During practice leading up to this week's game, Philip Rivers is in another world, haunted by the first Kansas City game; The scout defense crosses up the offense with some practice blitzes]
Coach Turner: They're blitzing. They're blitzing. THEY'RE BLITZING! Damn, Philip, Come on! What's the matter with you?
Philip Rivers: Tomorrow. Let's pick up the blitz practice tomorrow.
Coach Turner: THERE IS NO TOMORROW! THERE IS NO TOMORROW!
# 15 - Oakland Raiders (previous: 19)
Coach Cable: Why do you have to wear that stinkin' leisure suit?
Al Davis: It brings us luck, you know?
Coach Cable: Brings us luck! I'll tell you what it brings, it brings flies!
Al Davis: Now here's what I want you to have the team do... I want them to chase this little chicken.
Coach Cable: Hey, sir, what do we got to chase a chicken for?
Al Davis: First, because I said so. And second, is because chicken-chasing is how we used to train back in the old days. If your players can catch this thing, they can catch greased lighting.
Coach Cable: Well, we'll do it if you say so, but it ain't very mature.
Al Davis: Yeah, well neither are you very mature!
# 14 - St. Louis Rams (previous: 18)
Reporter: Sam, your pay for your first season in the NFL is very substantial. What will you do with the money?
Sam Bradford: Well, the first thing I gotta do is I gotta pay the rent. And then I made this list on the way over here. I'd like to buy a couple hats, a motorcycle, a couple quarts of perfume for my girlfriend, she likes to smell good. And some muppet toys... you know, Ernie, Big Bird. And the frog, what's his name? Kermit? And I thought maybe a statue for the church, and a snow cone machine for Steven Jackson. You like snow cones, right?
Reporter: Sam, do you have something derogatory to say about your opponent this weekend, the defending champ, Drew Brees?
Sam Bradford: Derogatory? Yeah, he's great.
# 13 - Jacksonville Jaguars (previous: 16)
[MJD addresses the Jacksonville crowd that has started showing up back to games since the team has been winning]
Maurice Jones-Drew: During this season, I've seen a lot of changing, in the way you feel about us, and in the way we feel about you. Down here on the field there were two teams killing each other, but I guess that's better in front of a hundred thousand fans than twenty thousand. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if we can change, and you can change, everybody can change!
The Fortunate Seven ~
The best of those not yet elite
# 12 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers (previous: 12)
Whatever losing team we play, we destroy!
# 11 - Kansas City Chiefs (previous: 11)
[Concerned about his upcoming rematch with Philip Rivers, Matt Cassel looks for some comforting advice]
Matt Cassel: Do you think I beat him the last time?
Coach Haley: We got the victory.
Matt Cassel: Coach, we won! But I didn't beat him!
# 10 - New York Giants (previous: 10)
[After a lot of blitzing by the Vikings early in their contest, Coughlin talks over the scoreboard situation with Eli Manning.]
Coach Coughlin: Alright, Eli, did the blitzing bother ya?
Eli Manning: Nothing bothered me, Coach. Nothing bothered me.
Coach Coughlin: Well then, you should've had them! Now don't let up on this team. This team is dangerous. This team is DANGEROUS!
Eli Manning: This team is dangerous? I'm dangerous! I'm dangerous!
# 9 - Philadelphia Eagles (previous: 9)
[Michael Vick and Andy Reid are watching film from Vick's first few seasons with Atlanta]
Coach Reid: Scrambling, run-first quarterbacks, they're the worst. They try to get the big play with their feet. Arm's no damn good. They ought to outlaw run-first quarterbacks!
Michael Vick: Why didn't you tell me that before?
Coach Reid: I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
# 8 - Baltimore Ravens (previous: 6)
Reporter: Ray, What's your prediction for the game against Houston?
Ray Lewis: My prediction?
Reporter: Yes, your prediction.
Ray Lewis: Pain!
# 7 - Green Bay Packers (previous: 8)
Packer Fans: Hey, Aaron.
Aaron Rodgers: Hey.
Packer Fans: Can we come up?
Aaron Rodgers: Yeah, sure.
Packer Fans: Some weather we're having here huh?
Aaron Rodgers: Yeah, it's pretty rough.
Packer Fans: But it's perfect for what you gotta do. It's good. Toughen you up.
Aaron Rodgers: I guess.
Packer Fans: I know you think you're gonna have to do everything by yourself, but you know we'll be with you.
Aaron Rodgers: Yeah.
Packer Fans: Favre was like a son to us. We raised him. And when he donned the Purple, a part of us died. But now you're the one. You're the one that's gonna keep our spirit alive. You're the one that's gonna make sure that he didn't leave for nothing. Now you're gonna have to go through hell. Worse than any nightmare you ever dreamed. But in the end, we know you'll be the one standing.
Aaron Rodgers: I'll try.
Packer Fans: You know what you have to do. Do it. Do it.
# 6 - Chicago Bears (previous: 7)
Jay Cutler: I can't do it.
Coach Smith: What?
Jay Cutler: I can't beat him.
Coach Smith: Brady?
Jay Cutler: Yeah. I been out there walkin' around, thinkin'. I mean, who am I kiddin'? I ain't even in the guy's league.
Coach Smith: What are you gonna do?
Jay Cutler: I don't know.
Coach Smith: You worked so hard.
Jay Cutler: Yeah, that don't matter. 'Cause I was nobody before.
Coach Smith: Don't say that.
Jay Cutler: Ah come on, Coach, it's true. I was nobody. But that don't matter either, you know? 'Cause I was thinkin', it really don't matter if I lose this game. It really don't matter if this guy lights us up, either. 'Cause all we wanna do is stay with them late into the fourth quarter. Few teams ever stay with the Patriots late into the game, and if we can stay with them, you see, and that clock reaches zero and we're still standin', we're gonna know for the first time this season, see, that we aren't just another pretender franchise from the NFC.
The Creative Elite ~
Wielding misfortune at its finest
# 5 - New York Jets (previous: 2)
Coach Ryan: Did ya get the license number?
Mark Sanchez: Of what?
Coach Ryan: The truck that run over you on Monday Night.
# 4 - New Orleans Saints (previous: 5)
The worst thing that happened to you, that can happen to any Super Bowl Champion: you got civilized.
# 3 - Pittsburgh Steelers (previous: 4)
Coach Tomlin: Ben, your nose is broken.
Ben Roethlisberger: How does it look?
Coach Tomlin: Ah, it's an improvement.
# 2 - Atlanta Falcons (previous: 1)
Falcon Fans: There's one thing we want you to do for us.
Matt Ryan: What's that?'
Falcon Fans: Win... Win!
# 1 - New England Patriots (previous: 3)
[The trainer preps Tom Brady for his next game and slowly wraps his ankles with tape]
Trainer, whispering and growling: You're the Man. You're number one. The Champ, the best of all time. Girls love you - Men, old people love you. Young people love you. You're the best. You're the Man, and their yours. Their yours, Their yours. These bums shouldn't be on the same field with you. I want you to remind them who you are tonight.
Week 13 Power Ranking Awards:
The Free Fallers - Houston Texans (-6), New York Jets (-3), San Diego Chargers (-3), Indianapolis Colts (-3), Miami Dolphins (-3) and the Buffalo Bills (-3)
The Biggest Movers - Seattle Seahawks (+6), St. Louis Rams (+4) and the Oakland Raiders (+4)
Maintaining The Status Quo - Philadelphia Eagles (9), New York Giants (10), Kansas City Chiefs (11), Tampa Bay Buccaneers (12), Tennessee Titans (20), Cleveland Browns (21), Dallas Cowboys (22), Detroit Lions (28) and the Carolina Panthers (32)
Creative Misfortune Super Bowl XLV Favorite ~ After Week 13
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